My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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