true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
