I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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