Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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