there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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