I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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