Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
