I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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