I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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