You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
