I could make wine with my vomit
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
