yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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