oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
