i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
