you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
