last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
