Don't make out with my wife yet
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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