Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just gargled with NyQuil
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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