Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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