True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My breath smells like gin and sadness
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
