sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
