I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
