so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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