My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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