He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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