I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
