using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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