When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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