Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
And then my night got REAL pukey
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
