Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
