whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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