even my farts smell like vagina
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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