I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
