If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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