I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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