the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
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