For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Be still, my beating vagina.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
