Soap is not a condiment
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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