Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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