I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
