God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize