I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
