Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
