i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
