I'm so fucking centered right now
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
