I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
