im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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