Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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