i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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