im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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