dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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