If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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