Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
