Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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