Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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