So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
