i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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