I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
