It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
