Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
