Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
