Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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