yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
