we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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