I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
