sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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