Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
