my phone needs a breathalizer
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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